This is written completely retrospectively...all the way back to my first year at uni:
I recently moved out of my family home where I have spent a huge portion of my life... The place I think I will always call home, the place I have alway associated to strength, a sturdy environment that is mine which I love. I have moved into a wonderful house with 6 girls all fabulous, all wonderful and all full of so much vibrancy! Each of these beautiful women are incredibly strong and ambitious, women who bring the phrase independent woman to life. I would describe them as strong individuals with huge confidence and faith in themselves; their thoughts and dreams.
Moving from my family home (a place I didn't realise was so essential to my own strength) to this house full of incredible women was something quite daunting. I don't think I realised how intimidating I would find women I consider in every sense my equals. I moved into a house full of strength and found myself wanting... I suddenly felt weak... Vulnerable... Susceptible.
The funny thing is they did not actually do anything to me or say anything to me to make me feel weak... I did it to myself! It puzzled me greatly...how have I made myself feel so small... So useless... So pathetic...
I refused to accept the feeling of weakness and went on a hunt for the source... As you know I found myself... My own measuring stick in fact... I found myself snapping my personal measuring stick in half and rebuilding it using these powerful women's model as my benchmark. The new stick I created was longer, unimaginably convoluted, and had unbelievably unreachable goals at each notch.
So to remedy myself of my weakness (which I used to akin to sickness) I went on hunt for strength. I went hunting for things that make me feel strong... I craved to feel strong and wanted it now... So I went home as often as possible... But every time I returned to my new house I found my weakness had intensified...
'Running away is never the answer' - so much truth in this clumsy cliche. Now these lovely ladies were being completely awesome which in many ways made me feel worse because every time they were excellent my measuring stick grew... To the point I would have found a 'fee fi fo fum' giant at the top if I climbed up it through the clouds...
How to solve this puzzle...
Well this is what I discovered... That my weakness is something I was willing to own and my strength was something I ascribed to external ownership... My strength was owned by my home, my parents, my friends, my shade of lipstick... These make me strong, not me but all those around me... People and things. So I thought why not own my own strength, rather than allowing it to exist outside of me why not "bring it home".
So that is what I did, I decided to give all the external factors rights over my strength but ultimately it was mine, I may have found it in places, things and people but those places, things and people are only minor shareholders... I ultimately own the biggest share; and although these places, things and people facilitated my strength it is only I who can use it and harness it.
Now every time I am with my housemates, my independent women I remind myself that although my weakness wishes to scream loudest, my strength has had more experience as it has had more attention from me. My weakness brings the best out of my strength, and my strength reminds me of my weakness... They are the most balanced couple... When one screams loudest in my head, the other fights back. It is always up to me to listen, to give both sides equal time and space.
So here is a clear example for you... I was with the girls getting ready for an evening out when suddenly I got the most intense butterflies, looking around at these stunning Amazonian beauties I really felt nervous... I felt as though I was severely lacking... I felt weak. As soon as I caught myself feeling that way I took a deep breath and thought about what makes me strong... I thought about my home, I thought about some of the times I was getting ready for a night out and my older sister would be in the room with me... She would (and still does) always tell me how stunning I looked, how glamorous I was and how much she admired me... Out of all of that thought I clung on to my sisters admiration, and I thought to myself if my sister has so much faith in me... Then I should have that in myself too.
This may all sound superficial and I may sound like a completely shallow and insecure being but I am trying to demonstrate a point in the most tangible way possible. If you allow your weakness to make all the demands then you will never give your strength a chance. Put them in the same house together and let them guide you together so you never become so vulnerable you shy away from others, or never become so arrogant that you hurt others.
To be kind to people you must be kind to yourself... Keep yourself in balance.